Rules For Visiting the South:
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner`s
mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a
Southern State:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy pumping your gas at the service station did more work before breakfast than you do
all week at the gym.
2. It`s called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you`re going
to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. That red dirt -- it`s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don`t
wash your car for a couple weeks -- it`ll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
whipped -- by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don`t cry to us if a flathead
breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout
you fish for -- bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. (REALLY!!!)
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever, and
wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma`am, don`t be
offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final
approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it`s not up to your ear
at the time.
10. That`s right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you
paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there`s no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef`s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You
want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of
water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice.
14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We`re real impressed. We have a
quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
15. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah,
even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high
school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with
"yes, sir" and "yes, ma`am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.
16. We don`t do "hurry up" well.
17. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and
caviar? It`s available at the bait shop.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on and
if you want to put milk and sugar on them? Then you want cream of wheat --
go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
19. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it`s called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
20. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don`t hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish and bothers the gators -- and if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, and they`re not baseball players.
21. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
22. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.
The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --
enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the
flag burner.
Enjoy your visit!
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